“I live and die with every rising and setting of the day.”
And here is the full video of this beautiful sunrise:
Date: March 23, 2018
Location: South Road Properties, Cebu, Philippines
Frame rate: 60fps
But really, what I am going to talk today is the physical- you know, the pain that stings your gut like crazy or sends your head into inferno mode for some reason? That kind of hurt. That kind of pain.
Not that I’m struck with a terrible illness or something life-threatening. But just to let you know for your peace of mind, my intestines aren’t so well lately that I had to give up my one true love that makes me happy. Coffee.
Surprise, surprise! I haven’t had coffee since October. Wohoo! Can you imagine how I’ve survived up to this day? I was never been a drinker. I mean, I was never a fan of anything liquid-y- juices, sodas, even water, even tea. I had wine sometimes but just not too often as it makes me babble like a baby. Not that I remember something though. Shhh! In fact, if I would be sliced from head to toe, you won’t see any blood dripping from my body.
So when my internist broke to me the bad news, I was aghast. How could she blame my beloved as the culprit to my insides’ predicament? She doesn’t know me to begin with!
But then, because I was forced by my insides to acquiesce to the doctor’s punishment, I had to do it, as I continuously break my heart everytime I smell my beloved in the distance. It’s good enough to have very supportive friends who always have to wisk their coffee cups in my face every coffee hour in the office. While I feel myself transforming into a rabid dog ready to attack and snatch their cups away and banish myself to oblivion. Never to return back again.
Five months into being sober is quite an accomplishment. But on the other hand, I find myself Inefficient. I would never imagine my life being apart from the only thing that keeps me alive. Okay maybe not, I was just exaggerating.
When you are overwhelmed with life and you feel yourself in the rut, sometimes a nice aroma is all you need to make you feel well. No, I didn’t have coffee today. I was referring to aromatherapy and its benefits. Just like the effect of lavender? I prefer the scent of lavender in my room. Hmm, t’was a heavenly smell! And the taste was rather heavenly! 😀
Aren’t you going to congratulate me, then?
So goodbye, my love! I think, I mean you know, as I am being held hostage by my insides, that I can only believe, it is going to be for good now. So long! Ciao ciao! Auf Wiedersehen!
On the onset, I said, I am never going to paint the sky with your name on it.
Being a lover of space, I understood the immensity of falling deep into the mystery of the unknown. Trust me, I should know.
Whether you find it a blessing or otherwise, this is something I still find hard to take in, no matter how long the time I have known, felt and lived with it. Just as with love. Just as with death.
Always, ‘the’ mystery of the two-edged sword will either make or break people.
Five months later, I realized I have hurt my heart so much for searching the heavens looking for that star that has bore your name. Every night, I would wait until the star comes out from the dark to greet me. And I’d head to bed after with a smile on my face- dreaming of stars, and space, and Mars.
I dreamt of our dreams.
Little did I know, the walls I built in defiance to what was forthcoming had already caved in. It was torn down and I got myself trapped in the wreckage.
Underneath the rubble that was pressing me to the hard ground, I clawed my way out in a dire attempt to escape.
I followed the only light that was guiding me through. I reached into the blankness and screamed. No one heard me. So, I screamed a little harder with every inch of strength left in me.
All of my body ached. If not for the painful dust that stung my eyes and left me gasping for air, I would have not known I was still alive. The pain made me realize that I was not dead afterall. Until I felt something- someone gripped my hand.
The grip was so tight I almost believed I had never been under a wreckage. It felt so warm that I could hardly remember how it felt to be in pain.
For a moment, I escaped.
Twenty months into being friends and foes with my heart, I saw myself receding into the far distance where the blue ocean has been kissing the crimson sky. “Mari-cel, why in the world did you…?”, I whispered and cut myself short. “Sea and sky. This is your battle”.
I was on a boat, the bloody sky being reflected on my face like dripping blood and I saw myself unable to paddle back to shore. I looked more than tired to try to keep afloat, let alone, escape. The strong currents pulled the boat back to the deep. I drifted like debris in the murky water after a violent storm. Damaged. Wretched.
I heard myself scream but they are drowned amidst the surrounding noises- from the roaring waves that never stopped thrusting its force to the shore, from sighs of hearts forlorn and heaving breaths that are coming close to its eventual end.
“You shall swim to shore and live”, I called out to the bleeding girl in the distance. Her eyes watered in a downstream that doesn’t seem to cease flowing. She was Faceless for some reason.
I wanted to pull her back but she seems to have mysteriously enjoyed the tide, and the ride towards an ugly doom. She waved at me, and I am not sure what those meant.
Maybe, she will find a way to survive this. She will find a way, perhaps.
I have always believed her.
If she ever finds a way somehow to escape and get back, you’ll know it. She will fly sky lanterns to the sky to guide her back to shore. She will let you know she has survived, the moment the sky starts to burn so brightly as it had been before the wreckage.
She may still paint your name in the sky at night to see if it looks as beautiful as before. She may even hum your name in her sleep while she dreams. She sees you everytime her mind would wander. She feels you when she is alone. She feels you even until now. Even, until now… until now. The strike of current that stings her spine everytime she remembers you even when she was fighting fires here and there still makes her heart skip. And die at the same time.
Until oblivion would snatch it away as it did with those before you. And she will no longer remember, even a letter that was carved out of your name.
Indeed, the wreckage is as terrifying as it is liberating. She has been to the first. Now, she shall wait for the latter.
(Est ce que tu m’aimes? I’m afraid, no.) 😅
I’ve been away from blogging for quite a while. In more than three months, I shy myself away from jotting (well, let’s say pounding) my thoughts on my keyboard due to reasons I cannot disclose as of this moment. Honestly, I thought I would not return to this side of the web, making my little world known to strangers and acquaintances alike, but as you can see, I am right here again, welcoming myself back!
What brilliant way to restart another life at blogging is to join the Weekly Photo Challenge. (Seems like a desperate move? Hmm, I’ll leave that to you. Lol!). Anyway, I consider it really a timely post for me since green, is my favorite color.
Green for me, is the color of life. Look behind you, around you and you’ll see a lot of greens. Trees, leaves, grasses, while some would change color overtime are predominantly and naturally green in nature. Nature. I am a lover of nature. But more than that, I fight for nature. I am an Eco warrior. Yeah, if I weren’t born from human parents, I would believe I am an offspring of a natural living creature, maybe from a tree or a spore. (And yeah, I have the resemblance, you know).
Yes, these plants are mine. (Oh well, what can I say, I have a green thumb). And no, most of them are already dead right now. 😦
This is one, if not the only photo I have of my college bffs where all four of us were present. Thanks to Mahin’s hubby Wilmore, for the rare shot and for the memento I hold so dearly til now.
These girls were like my sisters; odd sisters I must say. We became friends not because we share same interests nor follow the same tenets in life. In fact, we are so different in many ways that most often, we ended up biting each other’s tail. Yes, it’s common for us to head-but one after the other, refute one’s opinion and take side with another. But no matter how oddly unique we are as individuals, we stick together and consider this gang of four not-so-ordinary females, each other’s friend.
We’ve been friends for eleven years now and though we led separate lives making a living in separate places, I know the tie that binds our friendship together cannot be separated neither by time nor distance.
Just this morning, I got the time to browse my friend’s albums. Well, they looked genuinely happy in their photos. And I am as equally happy for them for the kind of life they are making with their own families. They looked a bit older though (and I hope they don’t mind me saying this) but prettier, nonetheless.
To my four bffs (including my high school bestfriend Julieta), Shielo, Alma and Gogi, I wish you good health and genuine happiness. I miss you guys! Love lots!
PS. Say hi to my alter ego, Julieta!
Disclaimer: All images that appear herein except for the first one above is not mine and was just accidentally reproduced, copied, edited and stolen for personal purposes only. The owners are prohibited to seek any legal actions in relation to the rightful usage of said non-copyrighted materials, or else…