Trails of a wandering soul

Youth and Misadventure

This is to affirm a certain phase lost to time. Of moments that has marked a point where endings and beginnings converge, where they locked eyes for a moment reminiscing what’s about to be left off… and then turn away and bid adieu to one another. This here, is the lonely death. The death that will eventually give birth to a new beginning. And give rise to a new life. Here, is the perennial cycle of birth, death and rebirth.

In the context of time, the idea of youth is never bound by age. I am not bound by age. My ninety-year old grandpa might be physically-incapacitated to fly off a plane or try bungee jumping but who knows, perhaps no one would ever know just how far he would go for one chance to do all of these if only circumstances permit.

Youth is never giving in to time. Youth is embracing the inner child in you—full of wonder and awe at the world and what it is capable to give.

It is not losing the momentum to get on despite how life grinds you down. It is an endless chance to forgive and forget what you cannot change. It is embracing the past and taking on the future with enthusiasm and gratefulness for just being alive today. It is the spirit of getting up after a hard fall. It is feeling those butterflies in your stomach when you look at or dream of someone.


It is being transported to a different world when you read a good book or when you learn a new language, a new culture, or get to know a special person.


You know these feelings never really die. Youth is the epitome of being wild and restless, of that continuous seeking of that adventure you have dreamed of living all your life. It is flying a rocket to space or boarding a space ship with the same heart you have as when you know you are about to face your own peril.


It is the spirit of pursuing the life you have never really lived. It is never stopping to learn.

It is me and my pursuit of life. It is me and my own messy adventure.


As I am about to bid goodbye to another set of days that has made me what I am a year later, I feel more capable now to brave the odds of what the future holds for me. Uncertainties are constant. No matter how I worked my way to get myself on a more secured space, there will always be the variables that affect how things take its course. Mathematics is crazy. Some things will keep changing and I have no control over it. Situations will either get better or worse. The link between constants and variables and how I should decide now based on pure intuition and trust, they kept delving into me and haunting me like ghosts in the night. They kept my mind awake and my spirit always longing for what I have shied away from.

Now is the time to make myself comfortable with the thoughts of the unknown—with its reality and of life’s uncertainties. I only have one life to live and although I feel like there are too many things to do that cannot be fulfilled in one lifetime alone, better still to start doing what needs to be done now. I’ll think about how to make the rest as I go along. I just need to start living. I needed this fuel to fly!


Youth is living the day that never dies.


My idea of youth is transcendental. It transcends beyond the physical realms of our existence. It is a desire, a fire, a fuel that keeps our dreams alive and propels how we interact with the world around us.

It is the flame that keeps me to pursue and wrestle with life everyday.

My youth, may I never lose it. May I never stopped wondering what beauty the world still has in stake for me. May I never tire watching the sunrise and sunset every start and ending of the day. May my love for the moon and the stars and the vast ocean never cease to exist. May I never stopped dreaming of flying free like the birds that fascinates me. May I never lose hope of becoming the astronaut I fervently wished I would become since I was a kid. May I never lose the spirit of wonder and awe at the beauty of people, at the natural works of the universe unfolding before me every second, at the power of our minds to create and recreate what is best for the world. May I never fear change. May I never stopped believing in the greatness and goodness of people. May I never stopped searching for love. May I never stopped loving. May love will find me too.

PS. By the time you read this, I am about to have my birthday dinner date or a boat ride with Flynn Rider at Disneyland (if I could find him of course),  with the fireworks or the lanterns lighting up the sky as how I would have dreamed it to be. Because I am still young and all, and you know, fantasy is still a necessity to my survival. 😀


And no wicked witch to spoil the moment, please!


“If you have a dream, chase it. You might just end up with a fairy tale.”



This is supposed to be scheduled tomorrow but hey! Buon compleanno a me in advance! Ci vediamo alla prossima! Spread the love! 😀



Different Worlds


There are many reasons why women fall out of love. As much as there are reasons why they fell in love in the first place. I don’t know with how it is with other women. What I know is, in my case, the universe of where I am holds the mystery as to why I am drawn into you—the way your words bring together and stitch these familiar galaxies into one fabric of our destiny, at how this same world that though apart and disparate in many ways, echoes the same voice yearning to be held and conquered. Perhaps not tangible as the ones I knew in this lifetime, but one that touches and similarly burns a fire within my soul. Mine is different in many ways. I knew you, but at the same time, what I really know is a stranger I have perhaps became acquainted with in a lifetime before mine. Perhaps a lover, a partner, a soul mate from a different era of my existence.

As I feel you drifting away in my mind, I cannot help but wonder. Will I ever feel the same way with another soul again? Will I ever feel the same fire as the way I had with you? From a different plane that traverses our separate worlds, you were here beside me, telling me stories at sun dusk to dawn while staring blankly over the miles that separate us, sifting the chaos of waves crashing upon the rocks on every shore just to hear me whisper, “I am here”. Yes, I am here.

Moon Beams

Under moon beams, I had whispered into you. Did you hear it? All this time, it was you who took all that I’ve wasted away—broken dreams and tears shed for the wrong reasons. I don’t know how you gripped my soul and I became so drawn into you, why this strange connection always leaves me in awe of your mystery. As I gazed into the pitch blankness, I knew somewhere beyond this universe, amongst sparkling lights and unknown entities, could be one either of the broken shards or tears flown once, no several times into oblivion. And I am seeing my own brokenness reflected from several light years away, gripping my soul as it did the first time I bleed.

Beyond Failures

Every new day is an opportunity to learn and appreciate life. No matter how hard it is sometimes.

And with that goes an endless effort of trying to find forgiveness for what I did and failed to do. Forgiveness from other people but more importantly, from myself.

Forgiving myself is something I still need to work out on, one thing I need to practice on a daily basis. You see, if there’s anyone who is as hard to me as the boss who’s in the other side of the globe, that would be myself. A day is hardest to face when yesterday’s turnout of events did not meet what was expected, especially if priorities weren’t at all completed with the given timeline. It makes it a lot of times harder to get off the bed and start the day with a positive attitude. Or as enthusiastic and driven as you were the day before. And no matter how I tried to shrug these things off and go on, deep inside I felt empty and useless…the downside of being a struggling perfectionist is painful.

Everyday is itself a universe that holds so many questions… and in my case, confusions and disappointments.

Random questions that spill out of nowhere like “what good I did yesterday” always lead me into deep contemplation. To me, it is good. And although the process will have me confront my failures and my demons, I am also able to reassess the worth of my actions and how all of these affect me and the lives of the people I work and live with. I am not to say that what I did was worthwhile but I do hope I did some good in there somewhere.

However today, I was told what good deed I need to pursue for the day. People do that sometimes, direct you into something, shove something on your face because you are viewed incapable… and perhaps useless. But you know, I know myself a hundred times more than people would ever think they do. I may fail at something but that does not necessarily make me a bad person.

So instead of thinking about my shortcomings, what I would do today is appreciate. Appreciate that people are concerned of the growth or stagnation I am doing for my life. Be grateful that I have today to contemplate and reassess my value in this world. That I still have the chance to forgive myself again and again.

Even if today is raining and my pluviophilia is resurfacing, I just want to try to feel good and be positive about life. Failures are vital for my growth. What is important is that I accept it, learn from it and move on. Learn from all that comes in between the winning and losing.

So to end this, I’m leaving you all with this video I just happen to come across today at
Facebook. A beautiful cover of one of my favorite songs from two equally beautiful and capable people from Thailand, Fa and Oui.

Yes, here’s to living the day that never dies.


PS. Fa reminds me of our very own Fatima Soriano. Oui’s smile however, is a breath of fresh air.


The Rise of Hypocrisy

“Be the change you want to see in the world.”

~Mahatma Gandhi


I don’t usually discuss or write about politics or politicians or their platforms and what they’ve promise to a nation who is in dire need of change. I don’t, because I see myself unfit to tackle these issues or not knowledgeable enough on the matter. But what I know is, my country has long been a victim of personal and political interest of so many people—the same breed of trapos whose rise to fame skyrockets in the same degree when it loses its political luster and plunges down in mud.

I myself deem it necessary for the nation to go on a complete overhaul—yes, and the people being the catalyst for change.

Everyone wants change. And everyone knew, there is no better time to do it but now. But the sad truth is, in reality, we still do not know what exactly we want to change. Or what we want to achieve for this nation, for ourselves.

With all this hullabaloo about the coming Presidential elections, may we all take to heart what a priest friend once said.

“One of the probable and possible reasons why our country cannot progress steadily is that we tend to defend and love our political bets more than we love our country.”

Love of country—the denominator… too complex to fathom by those whose eyes are blinded by the lust for power, of the opportune moment laid before them to advance personal interest and gain, those whose hearts have become numb to the roaring cries of our people begging for help, continuously silenced by the deafening accolades by supporters who have become apathetic and indifferent to the plight of the suffering Filipino, as the elected officials themselves.

No one wants to listen, so the problem went on… Until someone came out of the open and expose the corrupt practices of government officials— in the military, in the Senate, in the Congress, in the Executive and the Judiciary levels.

People go on frenzy defending their elected officials, others accusing, bad-mouthing, even mocking officials on a personal level. The same people who catapulted them to the pedestal will wish for their downfall, if things will not turn out well for him while in the office. People will ask several questions thereafter—some will have answers, most will be left to forgetfulness. We take our sentiments and disappointments to the streets, in social and mass media in the hope that our unified cry will awaken the remaining blinded Filipinos to join our fight. The process is unarguably a pain in the neck, trials after trials of officials being accused of something that didn’t seem to make any headway. Justice delayed is justice denied. And dear Philippines became an arena for politicians to showcase their shameful incompetency over and again not just to the Filipino citizenry but to the prying eyes of the international community. Trial and error governance, they say.

So the typical Juan with his diminishing hope and a broken spirit continue to live on. However at the back of his mind, he prays for something—a drastic change, so to speak. Perhaps a change in the political system, in the culture, in the quality of life—a change that will enforce better security, peace and order, a change that will uphold the value and worth of the Filipino people.

Now, here’s the gist for why I share with you my personal thoughts on the matter, however unsolicited.

Everyone wants change to happen. That’s one truth, and the other? Only a small fraction of the one hundred million population would commit themselves to adhere onto what’s needed to be changed. Not in a societal but on a personal level— a change of inefficient ways, a change of mindset to advance what we aspire to attain for dear Philippines. The fight for the kind of change that we want is not just political; it is personal, rooted within ourselves.

The problem with the Philippines is not that we can’t find a good leader to address our issues… and subsequently curb our nation’s current problems. I believe, we still have decent people in this country whose ideals are worth defending and fighting for. That is certain.

As we are faced with varying issues daily which resulted either from poor governance and law enforcement or poor self- intuition to know which is right, we clamor for a radical change to effect. Yes, drugs and corruption among others, is a very serious problem of this nation plaguing us since time immemorial. We have been so long waging war with foes whose network of alliances and finances do not seem to go down the drain anytime soon. We often wonder if it is indeed too complex of a problem for the government to still fail in its attempt after so many years. We have jailed thousands, maybe even millions of drug users permanently or otherwise. But where do the multi-million financiers go? Where are the drug lords hiding and why do they seem to be so mystical creatures to not be tracked and pinned down for these crimes? Should we now summon the aswangs and tikbalangs? As the government fails, the people lose hope. We point fingers. We blame, and always we take it against the government. Always the government. We let those we had placed our trust knew our utter disappointment, those who made us dream of a drug and corruption-free Philippines… but ended up doing less than we expected. However, did it occur to you how much you contributed to this country’s illness? Did you mind asking yourselves?

When people lose hope, desperation sets in. Desperation becomes too rampant and sadly it becomes contagious. “Nothing seems to happen”, we say. Every effort is not enough. Policies become futile. Laws are nothing less than a myriad of technical terms found in books, drafted for a cause that eventually did so little to ease our troubled minds amidst increasing crime rates—a set of texts that do not already excite the common tao.

When people are desperate and the nation is broken, we beg to the heavens to grant us what we’ve all been waiting—a strong man with a titanium fist. Someone who would enforce laws like no president has ever done before(?), someone who will make drug syndicates held accountable for the damages and loss of precious lives and dreams that never got to materialize, someone that could make the culprit’s knees shake and quiver as tried and held at gunpoint. We celebrated the rise of the strong man. “At long last, heaven did hear our pleas”, we say.

We laugh at the remaining candidates as they seem too unfit or inexperienced to run a broken nation: the brown and proud rags-to-riches incumbent Vice President who still cannot exactly provide solid evidence for the source of his current fortunes, a comic superhero economist mocked for failing short of his superhero duties especially during natural disasters, a newbie Senator who has only just reacquired its Filipino citizenship and a cancer-stricken feisty ex-UN lawyer known for her wild temper and hilarious memes.

But what do we know, really?

As I said, change is personal. We decide whether to embrace or repel it. Everyone, every single Filipino is responsible for why we are what we are today. We make Philippines what she is in the eyes of the world. She is not just a landmass inhabited by millions of dependent people, folks. She is a culmination of millions of ideas and ideals, of efforts that are turned into actions, dreams that became truths. A result of millions of students making decision daily if they are to throw garbage in the sidewalk or in the designated trash bin, the same students who are torn between accepting a failing grade or devise a way to cheat; a result of CEOs deciding whether to employ a newly-graduate engineer but who has so much promise in the field or take the son of the Kumpadre; analysts developing ideas how to lure foreign investors to invest in the country or legislators aiming at how to increase tax from farmers, from the typical back-breaking Filipino labourers while granting millions of pesos on bonuses and incentives to high-ranking government officials; of yuppies committing to change their morning habit of smiling at a random stranger in the street; of traffic officers, drivers, commuters who decide to obey and never to bend traffic rules. Of millions of people civilly discussing abut politics without spreading hate.

Most often, we point fingers at officials for failing to do their job without realizing, we’ve been doing and practicing corruption ourselves for a long time. When we are tasked to do a project and even under normal circumstances, we intentionally waste our time and prolong the timeline, we are doing corruption. That instead of working on to finish the task, we update Facebook and YouTube endlessly because, the heck, I have work-can-wait-and-besides-I-am-not-appropriately-compensated-so-I-better-not-function-as-expected mentality. This and all other ordinary practices we are so fond of doing are what would slowly kill the nation.  When we are used to doing simple corrupt practices, at home or at work, we wire our minds that such practices are normal and acceptable since this does not entail a major consequence, that it would pale in comparison to the multi-million peso fertilizer scam. You think, “no one gets killed because I intentionally did not mean to hit the deadline”. You are wrong. You are killing the organization employing you. You are killing resources. You are killing opportunities. And you murder your own virtues and principles.

Remember, you are the catalyst we need for this country’s overhaul. Without your dedication, without your love for our country, we will not win. And your littlest effort means as much as everyone else’s.

As the rise of the strong man continues, I can’t help but wonder. I wonder if the people who call for the installation of an iron-fisted federal government are not the same people who bypass procedures when applying for a driver’s license, getting an NBI clearance or skip the end of the line in the bus terminal. I do hope not. I hope the people I ushered towards the end of the line one scorching March afternoon in the bus terminal after they seem to not recognize that obviously everyone was already falling in line, are not those who pound fist in the air during conversations because they are too (overwhelmed) eager to demand “the change” to come so soon. I wonder if people do walk their talk… or if they are honest about the kind of change they want for this generation to embrace.

Surely, we still have a long way… quite a long way to go and put our hypocrisy to rest.

To tell you frankly, I still have not made up my mind who to vote for in the presidential election. I have trust issues, you see. It’s evident that I don’t celebrate political bets as most people—friends and acquaintances do. I don’t, because I only admire people. What I celebrate and uphold of are ideals and visions, so even when a candidate loses its luster to any reason, never would I lose my identity as a Filipino. Nonetheless, whoever gets to the presidential office this time, a truth will always remain—I love my dear Philippines and I still have so much hope for her.

And you know, I take delight in casting stones across still waters, even if nothing really seems to happen.


“I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples.”~Bl. Teresa of Calcutta

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