Over the years, I’ve known enough selfless people to assert my belief that people are innately good. Prior to the biases and judgements and the painful experiences we go through, we are at our basic human state, a force of good. We are love itself manifested outwardly. We are God incarnate, in the form of flesh and blood. And maybe, some mix of the mystical stardust from the cosmos.
Just to be honest, I’ve not been very religious for quite some time now. For those of you who knew about my religious journey, this would come as a surprise. Years ago, I felt a calling to the religious life, hence, I devoted myself to further my understanding and depth of my faith. I felt being called to enter the convent. If I did not stop, by this time, you would have called me, Sister M and I would probably have worn a habit already. 🙂
But then, I felt being pulled by a string to a different direction.
Regardless, I do respect my faith. I respect the people who are so dear to me who I’ve witnessed, have done so much work in the name of selfless servitude. I am still a consecrated member of a certain religious congregation but I have kept myself away from the familiar religious crowd. Not even my mother who is a devout religious woman can make me go back to where I started.
Why? Because she knows I have a belief of my own– something that she has learnt to respect after all the years she has urged me, but failed.
Looking back, I don’t feel any different about how I feel and see the world now than before. I hold the same belief in people. I remained who I am for the most part, perhaps even more grounded and understanding of the truths laid before me– maybe due to the maturity that comes with age. The only thing that changed was that, I stopped frequenting to the places I used to spend some time on.
Was I lost somehow? In terms of religiosity, how do you know if one has lost track of his way? Does one demand more privileges, act more gifted, present themselves as better than anyone? Does one have to speak ill of others? Or think ill of others? Does one have to do something horrible to someone or the society to be regarded as a lost sheep? What if the (lost) being only seeks to understand the moment at hand, hence on a deeper level, in order to follow a more compassionate essence of living, so one can be more forgiving and grateful of this moment given to him? At the basic level of being human, where goodness resides in and of itself, within and without the body, would it be wrong and inhumane to forgive someone who have always thought bad of you? Would it be wrong to forgive the people who had been dishonest, exploited your trust and wasted the love you gave away?
If being lost is having a clearer vision of people in their most fragile and vulnerable state that instead of hate and grudges, we emanate light so it penetrates deep within the other for love to live on, then I want to be lost forever.
I want to be where love is the only language we speak and the gain we seek after. I want to be lost in a moment of stillness and complete silence where the ego is non-existent.
It’s a shame that until now, I still ask these questions, because this only means, I still haven’t really figured myself out. But then, figuring in relation to form, is ego working, and when ego as a work of the mind overrides the essence of your true being, the soul dissipates and so I will grow old, still unable to see who I am. And that’s when I will forever be lost.
I am on a journey towards myself. If it leads me to something more beautiful than now, then perhaps, I can say, I’ve succeeded. If not, then I will be just as who I was before this– religious or otherwise.
But then, I will continue to feel God within the confines of my inner self, to see the good in the bad, and to manifest love and light in the things that I do, however difficult it can be at times.