Blank Phase

by Maricel

“There are times when your sadness spills out of nowhere that you can’t fully grasp why you feel the way you do. You embrace melancholy like it is the spirit that fuels your soul and you run after it because deep down, a voice is telling you to chase it, to get your grip tight so it won’t escape you. You long for more of what makes your heart bleed. Your lungs break everytime you grasp for air. The pain is terrible that it gets to your bone everytime a thought crosses your mind or when you remember something…or someone. It’s a sadistic way of killing yourself but also a way to affirm that you are human— broken, flawed, messed up. But you also know, behind every smile that conceals a heartache, the damp pillows and the sleepless nights that mums your heart’s silent cries, you are heading for a catharsis, for a redemption from what it is that makes you feel forlorn and lost.

I don’t know if it is because of the book I am reading that bore a sad resemblance to what and who I am and what I wanted to do, or the characters that made me remember the people in my life— the sad reality of who they were and who they will be.

I just feel in love with a thought but I also embrace the kind of death that comes with that lovely thought. A death to an old dream, a death to moments that will never be again.”

I am not okay. I’ve written the post above in my Facebook about a month earlier and judging by how I feel today, it’s evident I still ain’t feeling any better. And this phase here that I am battling is different from the ones I used to experience. I think I have exhausted every energy I have that I am left with nothing now. Not a single reason could suffice why I should wait another year before leaving and why I am allowing people to make me feel, like all of a sudden, I am a failure. What I do, all the efforts I put through every single task I juggle every.single.time.everyday. counts as nothing.

I hope alienating people out on purpose makes you genuinely happy. And that the division you forge into this sphere where we co-exist could still be torn down in time. A lot has been hurting and there is a terrible reason why we do. I do hope you are able to see that before it is too late.

I don’t know if I am heading towards something much catastrophic but hoping I am not. Suddenly, everything and anything doesn’t seem right. And what pains me is the fact that I’ve never put too much effort into making things new for myself, for others, because I am trying to love what I have now. I have done the best of what I can this time. And still, I am not happy.

There is something missing and I couldn’t figure it out.