Becoming an Alien In My Own Home

Nothing has ever made me feel so strange and baffled than that moment I got back from there. My heart is still continuously and strongly pulled to embrace a world I had just wandered by luck. And nothing felt more strange than being in a place that has served as my haven for the longest time but now feel unusually unfamiliar of—what used to be the room’s familiar smell, the monochromatic drapes that hang just above my headboard which I used to love, even the covers that has comforted me when no one else does—they brought in a feeling of unfamiliarity and indifference now.


It’s almost a month since we returned home from Palawan. With barely a week staying in a place fit for introverted souls like me, I could not blame myself why this feeling of separation is messing up my life now. At some point, the trip brought me an epiphany of what I really want and love to do. It rekindles my need to find my place in the universe.

But obligations and priorities stand in between my dreams, that is why I am fighting the urge to flee and fly away. The reality of the life ahead is daunting. I shall help myself cope up with these endless clamors as longer as I can.

For the past weeks, I have tried getting new stuffs to do at home or at work. I had redesigned my old nook, made some adjustments which I carried out solely. I took some time off to do something productive every weekend in the hope that perhaps this is just another boost of adrenaline calling me to be more upbeat which will then die naturally once fed… But even then, I could still feel the heart slowly breaking into pieces.

Everytime I glance at the endless horizon that had stood witness to my fervent longings, I see nothing but possibilities I am trying to drown because of fear for the uncertainties. It is for this reason that I unabashedly say, I am sad beyond words are able to explain.

Reverse culture shock is killing me. Fernweh… it breaks my heart like it used to.


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