Pain and Gain

by Maricel

“If you gave someone your heart and they died, did they take it with them? Did you spend the rest of forever with a hole inside you that couldn’t be filled?”

― Jodi Picoult, Nineteen Minutes

The thought of leaving is a difficult truth we all need to deal with. There is never an easy way to ease the pain than to go through it and hope that in time, acceptance and healing will follow. People leave for various reasons but the saddest of them all is that which makes the parting eternally physically permanent. Death.

Some people are afraid of the notion of dying; while others have already embraced it as a hard truth intertwined in the fabric of our very existence. Not all may have lived long enough to know how it feels like those who were bereft or have lost a loved one in the past but we all have been through all sorts of temporary leave-taking that left our hearts broken at some point. Same truth, but maybe on a different extent of emotional wreckage.

I cannot exactly feel how others may have felt when someone dear to them was lost. Empathy is a different thing when you were the receiver of such pain. And judging on my emotional ability, I dare not think about it for now. I am grateful for the people in my life and they are so precious to me to consider life without any one of them, or the other way around.

There have been times when I lost good people for valid reasons in the past. And that has left holes in my heart that still ache to be filled til now. But we are reminded about how time heals, that pain will vanish with time. The truth is, pain to me never ceases to exist, it just changes form. It’s still very present the moment I close my eyes to reminisce. Like the very day it happened. But because its form changes, it doesn’t hit the heart as terrifyingly as when I first came face to face with its horror. I still ache for what happened but the pain, ripen with time and etched with lasting memories, gives itself the power to alter emotional effect gradually and create a more enlightened tone for past hurtful experience. In the end, pain to me, is no more a Goliath of an emotion that I need to reckon with, given the right amount of time for it to outgrow itself.

And while I bleed as I should, I am hopeful for the time I am already able to meet those pains that haunt me some long ago. I am hopeful that in time it no longer scares me to close my eyes when I think of all that has happened in the past, with all the losses, the partings and all that remains to this day.