Living On A Different Impulse

by Maricel

“Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. “

—Confucius

courage

Time is all I’ve wished for. So when the holiday sets in, I knew I am the happiest man on earth.

Work has indeed drained me. I wished I had something more clever to say other than affirming how I wished I’ve been in a different place and time— shooting at people and places and writing stories as it unfolds; doing volunteer work; designing my landscape masterpiece or tracing the maps of the galaxy or just lie in a rolling hill somewhere dissolving myself in what I knew beauty was about— embracing whatever a vagabond’s life brings along.

I guess all I needed this time is a break from this life that demands so much of me, to be far from the hustle and demands of a life I am trying to escape from.

I wished I am doing what my soul has called me to do.

Life right now is basically 90 percent reality and 10 percent dreams. Work comprises the major part while I struggle to keep what it is that keeps me going forward—dreams. As a whole, my life is a blow of irony.

I chase after dreams all my life. Four years ago, I believed I’d given up on that. I thought everything that I had wished and hoped for will crumble to pieces, as I got weaker as the months passed, pinning me down like there was no escape anymore. The truth of that reality was harder than I thought. But people don’t just give up that easily. At thirty and striving, I still feel I have not gone far enough or done enough to keep those dreams from just being dreams. I have for many times, thought of pursuing what life is calling me to do, but always, always, I am bombarded with fear. Fear of the unknown life that I and those around me, may find hard to grasp. And given the current circumstance, I do not consider it the best decision to quit what I am doing now. My vision is clear but the opportunity is so vague for me to pursue what I loved doing.

If I was braver enough to sail the unknown and defy the uncertainties that awaits me for what I am called for, maybe, just maybe, I am out there saving and creating the very best of what I am called to be. Perhaps I am a bit happier and more fulfilled now, even without really achieving anything.

It’s true, life does not guarantee anything. We don’t get happy ever after lives even if we are doing what our heart desires. But there’s the big difference about doing what you love and loving what you do. The first will empower you. Those who were brave enough to live out their passion can attest how it’s a totally different feeling when you are doing what your heart has called you for. That empowerment will work its way up to give you a sense of purpose for your life, inspiration and enthusiasm to move you to do better. And be a genuinely happy and contented soul in the end. So, it is no longer work you are doing; it is life you are living.

Nonetheless, I have learnt to love my profession as an engineer, tediously working in the corporate world, but being ‘it‘ was never my first choice of career. I wasn’t drawn to love mathematical equations and formulas and analyzing figures and applying those concepts to use. I am mystified by arts and earth sciences, by designs, of writing and photography, of people. These and those that frequented my thoughts even when I am busy pounding numbers on my PC at work. I could love what I do but then again, that vision of a life away from where I am will find its way back to haunt me and my life at present.

For now, I will wait until such time that my inner voice chokes me up and the outcries of my soul becomes too apparent to ignore or when the urge becomes unbelievably appalling for me to even disregard. Perhaps, by that time, I could go on living and follow that different impulse that has long baffled my warring mind, and soul. By that time, I’d be braver enough to escape.

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