The past day, I never really did anything except contemplate on my current inner war. I am always like this: I became doleful for some reason; cried over it silently and re-examine myself to see the cause. If it’s something that I have the power to control, I try my best to change course. If I don’t, I leave it to the one above for things to unfold.
So the jest is, I was at fault why I felt the way the feel lately…Foremost, because I allowed things to fall into place despite knowing the truth that I will still lost in the end. I fed on the thought that the world has conspired why we met somehow. And it was just a fancy thought actually. Truthfully, those moments happened because that was how it was supposed to happen. Some coincidences were nothing less than mere coincidences. And the imaginary knight whom I thought was placed by God right at the place where I have often waited for my ride home, was anything imaginary.
There will be no keepsakes when you do not allow to keep them.
I am not mad at what I did—or what I did not. Hating myself for being vulnerable is not fair. I am like everyone else. I made mistakes but I stay away from the occasion of doing same mistakes again.
Today, I realize that the antidote for my temporary sadness is to repel unsolicited thoughts and attentions. If things are meant to happen, they will happen without having to take that extra step further. I shall live on because I am meant to live on. I shall be happy because that is how I am supposed to feel. I cannot wish people happiness if I am myself struggling to put a glow on my face. To begin with, the sun is shining brightly. I could hear birds singing from not so far from where I am when I wrote this… and that is heaven to my ears. My baby roses are beginning to show some growth. I get enough time now for silence, for gardening, to do some crafts, to write when I need to. I was able to sleep soundly last night. And I shall again wait for the night to fall so I could go on stargazing. So many graces to be thankful for today, actually. Baby nephews, family, friends.
So yeah, I’ll leave the spoilt mood behind and get out of here. Time to till the garden to give way for some additional babies maybe. Or perhaps, I need to do a little repainting on the kitchen cabinet or a little arts project on the house. So many things to do before work commences. So I’ll get started.