When God called me back, happily I turn toward Him just in time before my upcoming wreck came. That happened just a year ago.
February 2010, the time I heeded to His voice calling upon me from my brokenness to be renewed and reborn into a new person whom He would have wanted me to become; the moment I willfully embraced my brokenness and answered Him when I was called back home, like the Prodigal Son who was lost in the wilderness of superficial happiness and who upon wandering through the world did not find the real joy in life but instead in the loving and forgiving arms of his father. It was just last year. Not so long ago indeed.
My reawakening somehow is still fresh in my mind. I could clearly recall the exact things that happened on me during that entire moment of finally getting back home in my father’s arms. It was a blast of experience a wonderful series of immersion activities into a world I was alien before. And that successive events in my life triggered something within me a different outlook on life and a new vision on fulfilling my duty as a child of God, whom He once called, but now, as before, had begun to stay apart.
If I am going to compare myself, my spiritual self just months after my conversion and now, certainly there’s a big difference in the extent of my witnessing before other people. I don’t know why I am going through this spiritual dryness again. And it’s like killing me, keeping my spirit at its lowest point.
A french nun friend of mine, Sr. Helene once said, that it is normal for someone to go through some moments of spiritual dryness, because even nuns like her, do go through such terrible moments as well. However, what is important, and the most helpful thing one could do to keep that fire from dying, yet keep the flame continuously burning is to persistently continue to pray and asked for the grace that our soul would once be awakened by the kindling fire of God’s love, despite the feeling of sometimes not feeling Him in our prayers.
It takes a persevering and contrite heart for one to pass through this stage which is apparently something I failed to do. The moment this awkward feeling creeps through my soul, I paid little attention to it, not minding that this little awkward feeling would soon grow when not timely addressed. And so it did. Right now, its like I’m free floating on mid air, cold and lifeless, just looking and glancing at the people below me, at the lives of everyone both close and far, but not doing anything. Even God, is like a stranger to me now, someone who’s near yet likewise far, someone I do not personally and spiritually know of. Yet, in spite of my desire to be freed from this captivity, with all the effort I’ve done just to be back to where and who I was before, somehow they all proved futile. But, I ain’t giving up on me. Jesus himself never gave up on me.
Please God, bear with me as my human weakness tries to corrode my spirit and take me away from you again. Kindly hold my hand as I walk along in this treacherous road towards living, dying and renewing my old broken self into a new, whole and blameless one. May what I went through strengthen me more and deepen my faith and trust in you, multiply my love for you and my fellows and make me hunger and thirst for you more and more, day after day, through and through, all my life.
True, that not so long ago, I answered God’s call yet not so long ago either, I dropped that call and went my way apart from the way He is leading me. The least that I want to do for my life right now, is to keep a distance from God again.