I know some of you may have grown tired of hearing me talk about my seemingly endless tirade on misery. It’s boring. It’s insignificant knowing it would pale in comparison to all the problems the world is facing at the moment. Trust me, it is not my intention to talk about all these nonsense. It is just at this time, I can do so little to appease the situation. So I have to resort into writing, which is mainly the reason why I am keeping this blog.
This is my outlet~ where others turn into drinking, partying or doing drugs, I pound on my keyboard and scribble my thoughts.
I am not giving any promises but I will tell you this would be the last of its kind~ for now. 🙂
Today, I woke up tired, maybe exhausted after staying late last night doing some online courses. But regardless of the exhaustion, I genuinely felt a sense of peace. I hugged myself for a few minutes before yanking out of bed, thanked her for the things that she has done to not be ruined by these recent storms and told her that I was proud at how she is fighting hard to regain her old self back. Self-hugs are not new to me, so are self-talks. I do it whenever I got the chance to. There has been a research conducted on this subject that suggests the way we cross our arms as in a self-hug actually impairs our brain’s ability to localize tactile stimuli and when the brain is confused, it’s ability to listen to pain signals is reduced. And as you may all know, self-hugs promote self-compassion, so why not?
Be kind to your self whenever possible. It is always possible.
I know this gesture may sound really silly but you know what, more than anyone, we should be grateful for ourselves for the things that we do everyday to better ourselves. We need an affirmation, from ourselves, that we will be fine, that we are beautiful and kind, and that we are strong regardless of everything.
Okay, maybe I am just really weird. 🙂
Based from my personal experience, it helps that I am also good at pretense. Surely, I pretend a lot that I am strong. And when I do that, somehow, I eventually end up believing that I am indeed, strong. I guess it has something to do again with tricking the brain.
Those times when I was riding the ebb and flow of my own tide, I’ve made a conscious effort to keep myself in focus especially in matters concerning work. I can laud myself for being a well-functioning robot when I am in the office. It’s like I transform into a completely different person outside of time. I had to put a barrier in between my career and personal life so I could protect my responsibilities and that I could function more than what I was required to do. Let’s talk about multitasking alright~ I can perfectly juggle fires and tsunamis on the palm of my hand without having to give any hint to the people around my circle that I was flailing on the sidelines, except those very few people who I chose to share this part of my journey.
Sometimes, I am just so good at it that I somehow forgot I am also in need of help. The paradoxical superwoman in the midst of chaos and trouble who was clinging only to herself to make it through the other side of the tunnel, well, she was very real. Will she make it through? Of course, just give her time. Even with all the bruises and wounds, she will rise above this eventually.
And when she does, the pain she was trying to drown will become the strength that fuels her to face the unknown.
I cannot affirm whether the way I deal with all the negative stimuli that are putting to risk my emotional stability is appropriate.
Immersing myself in so many activities that will keep my mind off the negatives, how I drown myself in the books and articles I read or the podcasts I listen to, even in the ways I tried to maintain my independence from people, somehow, helped me sustain my confidence that inspite of everything, I am still a capable human being. That I have all the capability to get out of this phase, alone or otherwise.
In a way, instead of using the word “escape”, I will use the word, “build” because these are things I do, not to escape from a painful experience but to build myself up to sustain another pounding.
Perhaps, I just need to continue what I’ve been doing and see if things will go back to normal~ or maybe, I should learn to embrace a new normal. And maybe then, other than becoming stronger than I was, I would discover something different and meaningful about how to live my life, go chase an old dream or dream a new one.
Life indeed, is beautiful.