Trails of a wandering soul

Blank Space

“There are times when your sadness spills out of nowhere that you can’t fully grasp why you feel the way you do. You embrace melancholy like it is the spirit that fuels your soul and you run after it because deep down, a voice is telling you to chase it, to get your grip tight so it won’t escape you. You long for more of what makes your heart bleed. Your lungs break everytime you grasp for air. The pain is terrible that it gets to your bone everytime a thought crosses your mind or when you remember something. It’s a sadistic way of killing yourself but also a way to affirm that you are human— broken, flawed, messed up. But you also know, behind every smile that conceals a heartache, the damp pillows and the sleepless nights that mums your heart’s silent cries, you are heading for a catharsis, for a redemption from what it is that makes you feel forlorn and lost. I don’t know if it is because of the book I am reading that bore a sad resemblance to what and who I am and what I wanted to do, or the characters that made me remember the people in my life— the sad reality of who they were and who they will be.

I just feel in love with a thought but I also embrace the kind of death that comes with that lovely thought. A death to an old dream, a death to moments that will never be again.”

I am not okay. I have never been okay again since a month ago. And this phase here that I am battling is different from the ones I used to experience. I think I have exhausted every energy I have that I am left with nothing now. Not a single reason could suffice why I should wait another year before leaving and why I am allowing people to make me feel like, all of a sudden, I am a failure. I hope alienating people out on purpose makes you happy. And that the division you forge into this sphere where we co-exist could still be torn down in time. A lot has been hurting already and there is a terrible reason why we do.

I don’t know if I am heading towards something much catastrophic but hoping I am not.Suddenly, everything and anything doesn’t seem right. And what pains me is the fact that I’ve never put too much effort into making things new for myself. I have done the best of what I can this time. And still, I am not happy.

There is something missing and I couldn’t figure it out.

Youth and Misadventure

This is to affirm a certain phase lost to time. Of moments that has marked a point where endings and beginnings converge, where they locked eyes for a moment reminiscing what’s about to be left off… and then turn away and bid adieu to one another. This here, is the lonely death. The death that will eventually give birth to a new beginning. And give rise to a new life. Here, is the perennial cycle of birth, death and rebirth.

In the context of time, the idea of youth is never bound by age. I am not bound by age. My ninety-year old grandpa might be physically-incapacitated to fly off a plane or try bungee jumping but who knows, perhaps no one would ever know just how far he would go for one chance to do all of these if only circumstances permit.

Youth is never giving in to time. Youth is embracing the inner child in you—full of wonder and awe at the world and what it is capable to give.

It is not losing the momentum to get on despite how life grinds you down. It is an endless chance to forgive and forget what you cannot change. It is embracing the past and taking on the future with enthusiasm and gratefulness for just being alive today. It is the spirit of getting up after a hard fall. It is feeling those butterflies in your stomach when you look at or dream of someone.


It is being transported to a different world when you read a good book or when you learn a new language, a new culture, or get to know a special person.


You know these feelings never really die. Youth is the epitome of being wild and restless, of that continuous seeking of that adventure you have dreamed of living all your life. It is flying a rocket to space or boarding a space ship with the same heart you have as when you know you are about to face your own peril.


It is the spirit of pursuing the life you have never really lived. It is never stopping to learn.

It is me and my pursuit of life. It is me and my own messy adventure.


As I am about to bid goodbye to another set of days that has made me what I am a year later, I feel more capable now to brave the odds of what the future holds for me. Uncertainties are constant. No matter how I worked my way to get myself on a more secured space, there will always be the variables that affect how things take its course. Mathematics is crazy. Some things will keep changing and I have no control over it. Situations will either get better or worse. The link between constants and variables and how I should decide now based on pure intuition and trust, they kept delving into me and haunting me like ghosts in the night. They kept my mind awake and my spirit always longing for what I have shied away from.

Now is the time to make myself comfortable with the thoughts of the unknown—with its reality and of life’s uncertainties. I only have one life to live and although I feel like there are too many things to do that cannot be fulfilled in one lifetime alone, better still to start doing what needs to be done now. I’ll think about how to make the rest as I go along. I just need to start living. I needed this fuel to fly!


Youth is living the day that never dies.


My idea of youth is transcendental. It transcends beyond the physical realms of our existence. It is a desire, a fire, a fuel that keeps our dreams alive and propels how we interact with the world around us.

It is the flame that keeps me to pursue and wrestle with life everyday.

My youth, may I never lose it. May I never stopped wondering what beauty the world still has in stake for me. May I never tire watching the sunrise and sunset every start and ending of the day. May my love for the moon and the stars and the vast ocean never cease to exist. May I never stopped dreaming of flying free like the birds that fascinates me. May I never lose hope of becoming the astronaut I fervently wished I would become since I was a kid. May I never lose the spirit of wonder and awe at the beauty of people, at the natural works of the universe unfolding before me every second, at the power of our minds to create and recreate what is best for the world. May I never fear change. May I never stopped believing in the greatness and goodness of people. May I never stopped searching for love. May I never stopped loving. May love will find me too.

PS. By the time you read this, I am about to have my birthday dinner date or a boat ride with Flynn Rider at Disneyland (if I could find him of course),  with the fireworks or the lanterns lighting up the sky as how I would have dreamed it to be. Because I am still young and all, and you know, fantasy is still a necessity to my survival.😀


And no wicked witch to spoil the moment, please!


“If you have a dream, chase it. You might just end up with a fairy tale.”



This is supposed to be scheduled tomorrow but hey! Buon compleanno a me in advance! Ci vediamo alla prossima! Spread the love!😀


Different Worlds


There are many reasons why women fall out of love. As much as there are reasons why they fell in love in the first place. I don’t know with how it is with other women. What I know is, in my case, the universe of where I am holds the mystery as to why I am drawn into you—the way your words bring together and stitch these familiar galaxies into one fabric of our destiny, at how this same world that though apart and disparate in many ways, echoes the same voice yearning to be held and conquered. Perhaps not tangible as the ones I knew in this lifetime, but one that touches and similarly burns a fire within my soul. Mine is different in many ways. I knew you, but at the same time, what I really know is a stranger I have perhaps became acquainted with in a lifetime before mine. Perhaps a lover, a partner, a soul mate from a different era of my existence.

As I feel you drifting away in my mind, I cannot help but wonder. Will I ever feel the same way with another soul again? Will I ever feel the same fire as the way I had with you? From a different plane that traverses our separate worlds, you were here beside me, telling me stories at sun dusk to dawn while staring blankly over the miles that separate us, sifting the chaos of waves crashing upon the rocks on every shore just to hear me whisper, “I am here”. Yes, I am here.

Moon Beams

Under moon beams, I had whispered into you. Did you hear it? All this time, it was you who took all that I’ve wasted away—broken dreams and tears shed for the wrong reasons. I don’t know how you gripped my soul and I became so drawn into you, why this strange connection always leaves me in awe of your mystery. As I gazed into the pitch blankness, I knew somewhere beyond this universe, amongst sparkling lights and unknown entities, could be one either of the broken shards or tears flown once, no several times into oblivion. And I am seeing my own brokenness reflected from several light years away, gripping my soul as it did the first time I bleed.

Beyond Failures

Every new day is an opportunity to learn and appreciate life. No matter how hard it is sometimes.

And with that goes an endless effort of trying to find forgiveness for what I did and failed to do. Forgiveness from other people but more importantly, from myself.

Forgiving myself is something I still need to work out on, one thing I need to practice on a daily basis. You see, if there’s anyone who is as hard to me as the boss who’s in the other side of the globe, that would be myself. A day is hardest to face when yesterday’s turnout of events did not meet what was expected, especially if priorities weren’t at all completed with the given timeline. It makes it a lot of times harder to get off the bed and start the day with a positive attitude. Or as enthusiastic and driven as you were the day before. And no matter how I tried to shrug these things off and go on, deep inside I felt empty and useless…the downside of being a struggling perfectionist is painful.

Everyday is itself a universe that holds so many questions… and in my case, confusions and disappointments.

Random questions that spill out of nowhere like “what good I did yesterday” always lead me into deep contemplation. To me, it is good. And although the process will have me confront my failures and my demons, I am also able to reassess the worth of my actions and how all of these affect me and the lives of the people I work and live with. I am not to say that what I did was worthwhile but I do hope I did some good in there somewhere.

However today, I was told what good deed I need to pursue for the day. People do that sometimes, direct you into something, shove something on your face because you are viewed incapable… and perhaps useless. But you know, I know myself a hundred times more than people would ever think they do. I may fail at something but that does not necessarily make me a bad person.

So instead of thinking about my shortcomings, what I would do today is appreciate. Appreciate that people are concerned of the growth or stagnation I am doing for my life. Be grateful that I have today to contemplate and reassess my value in this world. That I still have the chance to forgive myself again and again.

Even if today is raining and my pluviophilia is resurfacing, I just want to try to feel good and be positive about life. Failures are vital for my growth. What is important is that I accept it, learn from it and move on. Learn from all that comes in between the winning and losing.

So to end this, I’m leaving you all with this video I just happen to come across today at
Facebook. A beautiful cover of one of my favorite songs from two equally beautiful and capable people from Thailand, Fa and Oui.

Yes, here’s to living the day that never dies.


PS. Fa reminds me of our very own Fatima Soriano. Oui’s smile however, is a breath of fresh air.


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